WHOREFAX™
Official Dating History Report
Report ID
WFX-2014-BJW
Buyer Beware
Subject Profile
Brittany Joy Westmoreland
24 yrs · Austin, TX · TikTok 'Wellness Coach' (no certification)
“Carries her own crystals to coffee dates. Believes plastic straws have feelings. Has very strong opinions about almond milk vs oat milk that she will share at length.”
Title Status
CLEAN (suspiciously)
Previous Owners
6
Red Flags
3
Compat. Score
72/100
Compat. Grade
Good
Owners
6
Drama Events
2
Red Flags
3
Ghosting Risk
41%
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Subject Specifications
VIN (Verified Identity Number)WFX2014BJW33321
Model Year (Born)2002
Trim / EditionEco / Crunchy Edition
ExteriorMatte Sage
InteriorHemp & Linen
Fuel TypeCelery Juice (blessed under the full moon)
TransmissionManual (insists on choosing organic)
Mileage67,012 emotional miles
WarrantyLimited – void if vaccinated
Insurance TierHolistic Coverage
ZodiacPisces
Height5'9"
Love LanguageWords of Affirmation (preferably in cursive)
RegistrationActive
Inspection GradeB+
Ghosting Index41/100
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Previous Owners
Skye (yes, just Skye)
2020 – 2021
Returned: Their auras 'stopped vibrating in harmony'
Condition: Spiritually awakened, literally broke
Forrest Marlowe
2022 – 2023
Returned: He bought non-organic blueberries during their grocery run
Condition: Detoxing for 9 months
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Drama Reports
2021-05-05 · Erewhon Parking Lot
minorLectured a stranger for 14 minutes about seed oils. Was escorted out by management.
2023-10-13 · TikTok Live
moderateLive-streamed an exorcism of her ex's hoodie. Now pinned to her profile.
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Service History
| Date | Service Type | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 2022-04-22 | Energy Cleanse | Burned $300 of sage. Apartment smoke detector sustained damage. |
| 2023-07-07 | Astrology Realignment | Found out she's a 'spicy Pisces moon'. Doubled her crystal collection. |
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Red Flag Alerts
RF-009
Quotes Her Birth Chart As ID
Has shown it at a bar to prove she was 21.
RF-027
Won't Date Capricorns
Or Tauruses. Or anyone with a Saturn return.
RF-055
Sells $48 Bracelets
Says they 'protect against bad energy and ex-boyfriends'.
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Open Recall Notices
- RECALL #19H: Use of essential oils on first date may impair common sense.
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Factory Options & Features
Crystal-Charged Cup HoldersMood Lighting (chakra mode)Herbal Dashboard DiffuserVoice-Activated Manifestation
This report is 100% fictional. Generated purely for comedic parody and presented on 4/10/2026. Whorefax™ is not a real service and none of the data above refers to any real person.
Parody · Not Real