WHOREFAX™
Official Dating History Report
Report ID
WFX-1978-JLP
Buyer Beware
Subject Profile
Jessica Lynn Pemberton
30 yrs · Hoboken, NJ · Pilates Instructor / Aspiring Author
“Working on a memoir titled 'Brunch & Other Battlefields'. Has been on chapter 2 since 2019.”
Title Status
BRANDED – LEMON LAW BUYBACK
Previous Owners
11
Red Flags
4
Compat. Score
51/100
Compat. Grade
Fair
Owners
11
Drama Events
3
Red Flags
4
Ghosting Risk
64%
📋
Subject Specifications
VIN (Verified Identity Number)WFX1978JLP55512
Model Year (Born)1994
Trim / EditionSport Touring
ExteriorPumpkin Spice Pearl
InteriorAthleisure Black
Fuel TypeCold Brew, no ice, in a personal mason jar
TransmissionCVT (constantly volatile transmission)
Mileage98,221 emotional miles
WarrantyVoided by the second Hamptons summer
Insurance TierStandard +
ZodiacGemini
Height5'7"
Love LanguageQuality Time (her quality, your time)
RegistrationActive in NJ, lapsed in NY
Inspection GradeB-
Ghosting Index64/100
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Previous Owners
Jonathan 'JP' Petrucci
2016 – 2018
Returned: He 'wasn't ready' (got married 4 months later)
Condition: Slightly cynical, fully gym-fit
Michael 'M.J.' Castellano
2019 – 2020
Returned: Pandemic sourdough phase escalated
Condition: +15 lbs, sourdough starter named Linda
Anthony Marchetti
2021 – 2022
Returned: She wanted to 'see other people for clarity'
Condition: Got the clarity, took the dog
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Drama Reports
2019-07-04 · Hamptons share house
minorThrew a frosé at a roommate over a stolen oat milk creamer.
2020-11-26 · Family Thanksgiving (Zoom)
moderateForgot to mute. Mom found out about the new tattoo, the new boyfriend, AND the new job.
2022-08-14 · Pilates Studio (her own)
moderateShouted 'engage your core' to a client mid-breakup. Client never returned.
🔧
Service History
| Date | Service Type | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 2018-02-10 | Closet Reset | Donated 4 garbage bags of clothes. Bought 5 the next day. |
| 2021-09-19 | Therapist Swap | Switched therapists because the old one 'wasn't validating enough'. |
| 2023-05-30 | Friend-Group Realignment | Unfollowed 47 people. Added 12 from Pilates teacher training. |
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Red Flag Alerts
RF-014
Says She's 'Healing'
Self-reported. Posts about it daily. From a vacation her ex paid for.
RF-021
Vegan On Weekdays
Strictly. Until margarita night. Then 'cheese isn't really meat'.
RF-038
Speaks In Quotes
Quotes 'her therapist' and 'her wellness coach' interchangeably and inaccurately.
📣
Open Recall Notices
- RECALL #71E: Manuscript chapter count may not match advertised total.
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Factory Options & Features
Self-Care Sunday ModeBoundary Setting (beta)Premium Brunch Navigation
This report is 100% fictional. Generated purely for comedic parody and presented on 4/10/2026. Whorefax™ is not a real service and none of the data above refers to any real person.
Parody · Not Real